Too Many Fires

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.

\"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?\" asked the fire chief.

\"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.\" answered the new firefighter.

\"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?\" asked the fire chief.

\"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.\" answered the new firefighter.

\"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?\" asked the fire chief.

\"Break out another fire hose.\" answered the new firefighter.

\"Now wait a minute, son,\" said the fire chief. \"Where are all these fire hoses coming from?\"

The new firefighter answered, \"The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.\"

A Day in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I\'m in hell.
Demon: Hell\'s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin\' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you\'re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that\'s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You\'re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you\'re already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that\'s...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you\'re dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don\'t mean...
Demon: That\'s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that\'s right - you\'re dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin\' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you\'re really gonna hate Fridays.

Facts About Old Men and Women

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife\'s menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you\'re mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she\'s with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don\'t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging \"weights\" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: \'Gee, I have one of these.\'